Five passive aggressive ways to handle liberal loved ones at Thanksgiving


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Jon Gabriel posted a fantastic piece about how to handle the arguments bubbling in the mushy skulled 18, 19, and 20-somethings  America’s colleges and universities send home to Americans every Thanksgiving. Read it here. It’s hilarious and totally spot on. He wrote it in response to this Think Progress piece which encourages their readers to make the Thanksgiving dinner table a battleground for propagandizing for Obamacare.

I like Jon’s approach. However, you can also try my much more passive aggressive approach, which would be mostly for the benefit of the kids, but could also be applicable to any other mental Peter Pan you might have in the family. Going through them you’ll realize that the way it all plays out everyone is going to suffer. To get to a liberal sometimes you have to sort of become one, and that means you have to accept that sometimes usually the ends justify the means.

By the way, this is meant to be completely tongue in cheek, and absolutely less serious (unless you want it to be more so, which is fine with me) than what Gabriel writes.

So, here are five passive aggressive things you can do to put your liberal loved ones in their place:

1. Make a special Obamacare turkey
But don’t call it that, it just has to be understood. Results will vary, but it could look something like this.

sprinkle-turkey

When asked who would want to eat this “monstrosity” explain that in order to not exclude anyone’s sense of taste it was decided to apply “comprehensive coverage” to this year’s turkey. Besides who doesn’t like sprinkles? Accuse those who insist the turkey shouldn’t have sprinkles of wanting to take away Thanksgiving from everyone. Then, impose a fee on anyone who leaves the house without eating some. Obviously, nobody sober is going to want Obamaturkey. The liberals, however, will insist we keep it because it will help lower the hunger rate if we save it for poor people.

2. Bring out the real turkey
While everyone gets out their wallets to pay the Obamaturkey fine, that is when you break out the real turkey. You bring out a pot filled with what we will call “diversiturkey,” which is the white and dark meat blended together, by a blender, into a wonderfully progressive desegregated paste. We do this because we don’t want anyone to be triggered by the separation the white and dark..uh, African Ameri-, ummm…chromatically appetizing meat.

Everyone at the table will protest this, including your college student. You can explain that they’re acting out because they’re afraid of progress, and they cling to a past where white meat and dark meat were separated and people could choose which meat they want, like a bunch of white-sheet, cross-burning barbarians.

3. Put a scale on the dinner table
Everyone gets only the portions they need, and nothing more. Since those who are skinny obviously got that way because fat people (yes, all fat people) probably took the food skinny people could’ve had, you start the festivities by doling the “government” turkey (that’s what the conservatives at the table call the “diversiturkey”) and gravy out to them first. This probably wont include your little collegiate snowflake, who selfishly and callously gained their freshman 15 over the last three months and deserves to have their white meat privilege checked.

Repeat this process for the mashed potatoes, vegetables, rolls, and other delicious holiday delicacies such as cranberry sauce.

Since you’re the one determining everyone’s’ portions, it’s perfectly acceptable to award yourself with more food as a sort of “justice tax.” Remind everyone that on paper everyone at the table is equal, but you get to be a little bit more equal.

4. Just Desserts
When the meal is over send your (probably still hungry and seconds deprived) pudgy little progressive snowflake into the kitchen and get them started on cleanup. While they do that break out the pumpkin pie and serve it to everyone but them. When they ask why they have to do all the work while others get to have dessert tell them that at some point they’ve had enough dessert, their freshman 15 suggests they’re at that point, and it’s time to give up some of their pie so that others can have some.

5. Level with them
At this point they probably will have had enough and will get very angry with you. There will probably be a lot of liberal tears involved, which is good because nobody left enough sparkling apple cider for them, and they should drink something. You’ll hear something about how your obsession with doing things in a way that you think seems fair has caused you to take a happy and joyous occasion and turn it into the worst experience ever.

That’s when you say, “I know, imagine if a bunch of people got together and did that with an entire country?”

Turkey image found here

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