There’s a recent article in the “Men’s Style” section of the New York Times titled 27 Ways to Be a Modern Man.
You should never judge a book by its cover, except for now. This is as bad as you’d imagine. Maybe worse.
I won’t list all 27, just the worst five, with comment. You can see all 27 here and I recommend you do, because it was extremely difficult to pick the worst five.
1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
When any man buys shoes for his spouse AND knows how brands are sized the spouse is also a man because that couple is gay. That is the ONLY scenario where this makes any sense whatsoever.
I barely buy shoes for myself, and it’s after my current pair (as in one) is getting made fun of by homeless people. Even then all I try to do is find the same exact pair.
So what’s this BS about me buying shoes for my wife? I @#$% up buying her preferred brand of soap, and we use the same shower.
8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
I recently got into a huge back and forth with a liberal on Tumblr that started because I mocked a different liberal for using the term “post abortive person.” Apparently my “gauche simpleton” mind doesn’t understand that it’s “cissexist” to think that because women are not the only people of getting pregnant.
I think this one needs a rewrite: “The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “progressive” not “deluded sociopath bent on destroying all things moral and decent” like some gauche simpleton.”
17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
Melons weren’t the first thing that baller scooped…again, “heterosexual” doesn’t seem to be a piece that will fit in this particular puzzle.
Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that a hetero man does serve perfectly formed melon balls to his buddies, it better be so they could do target practice out of his home-made melon-ball gun while waiting for the delivery of their cheese stuffed crust pizza topped with bacon stuffed pork under a block of cheese that resides over beer marinated tomato sauce.
21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.
This is oddly specific and descriptive. Is this some sort of euphemism for abortion?
25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
That’s because the melon baller did it’s job. #16 didn’t make the top five, but it was about protecting the wife…apparently the author isn’t serious about that. I’d expect nothing less from a New York Times wiener. If only we could show gun-owning troglodytes they can defend themselves from a gun without a gun in a way that’s less make-believe than Kryptonian DNA.